Setting Limits For Our Children

By Linda L. Esterson

We all know it when we see it: the 9-year-old boy with a cell phone or the two 10-year-old girls roaming the mall unsupervised. It’s not necessarily that these children are spoiled; instead, they are often the product of parents who can’t––or won’t––say no to their kids.

But according to experts, it’s this “giving in” that’s a problem and one that can have long-term implications.

“There’s nothing wrong with saying yes if there are no negative implications,” says Ruth Klein, Ph.D., director of clinical services for Jewish Family Services. “But always saying yes may beget negative implications because it sets up expectations that ‘yes’ will always happen.”

“Yes” is not the real world, according to Dr. Klein. “You can’t always get your way. There will always be something too expensive or too inconvenient.”

Studies indicate that adults who were overindulged as children grow up with an unrealistic sense of entitlement that gets in the way of success at work and in relationships. In addition, studies report that kids given too much, too soon, grow up to be adults whodon’t always cope well with life’s disappointments.

“When they don’t always get their way, they’re not always perfect. They absorb disappointment better,” says Dr. Klein. “The goals for children should be to be independent and successful.”

Parents refrain from saying no for a variety of reasons. They may feel it is easier not to fight with their kids. They don’t want their children to “hate” them or feel angry. They don’t want their child to suffer, and they certainly want their children to be popular.
Those who don’t want to entice a fight, and say yes when they should say no fail to realize that consistently saying no would result in less fighting,” says Dr. Klein. “If they give in when they don’t want to, they can expect a longer fight the next time.”

“Saying yes after saying no means the fighting goes on longer,” notes Dr. Klein.
Such arguments can translate into adulthood as the child grows up thinking he can argue to get what he wants.

Arguing with a teacher may get the student thrown out of class; arguing with a boss may get an employee fired. Similarly, the child that is always given A’s in school will not adjust easily to the rigors of high school and college, and will experience difficulty dealing with lower grades. And the child who always has everything done for him will not be able to fend for himself in the long run.

Children will ask for the world, and whether a parent gives it to them should be based on the item’s value, but not in financial terms. “Parents first have to ask themselves the question: Is it a want versus a need? Are there negative consequences to having something they don’t need?” Dr. Klein says.

Reisterstown residents Julie and Ira Varhaftik base their decisions primarily on safety. Requests that are potentially unsafe are denied. For instance, if 13-year-old Liza wants to roam Owings Mills Mall with a few friends, and no parent along, her parents will say no.

“Safety is a priority. We don’t give in for that. We won’t negotiate,” says Mrs. Varhaftik.
Iris Stine, mother of Skylar, 13, and twins Kendall and Chase, 9, looks at each request from her three children individually. “I want to make sure they are old enough and mature enough to do what they’re asking to do,” she says.

Material possessions are often at the root of the arguments for many parents. Skylar, for instance, prodded her parents for a cell phone once she entered middle school. They denied her request since she “didn’t need one.”

Once she started staying after school, she needed a way to communicate
with Mrs. Stine to pick her up. “When I felt like Skylar needed it for safety, and then I knew we have to have a line of communication,” Mrs. Stine says.

And now, of course, Kendall and Chase are asking.

When any of the three nag and whine, Mrs. Stine puts her foot down and ends the discussion. Sometimes that’s after she admits she was wrong for letting one of them do something in the past.

“You have to admit to your kids when you’re wrong,” she says. “You’re human. You can make the wrong decision just like they do.”

Many kids today base popularity on possessions and clothing. But the Varhaftiks don’t buy into that when it comes to Liza.

“I want her to have friends, but I want her to value her friendships and her friends to value her,” Mrs. Varhaftik explains. “I don’t want it to be a game. We don’t buy things to be popular.”

Compromise is one way parents can avoid saying no, but they’re not saying yes, either. If Liza wants an expensive pair of jeans or a designer jacket, her parents will contribute what they feel is reasonable and Liza funds the rest with money she earns babysitting.
Sure, their children try to persuade them, just like most kids with, “That’s not fair!”

“So-and-so gets to do it!” and “I’m not a baby!” Sometimes Mrs. Varhaftik tells Liza she needs to think about her request, and other times she explains to her daughter that she’ll have to prove herself and help out a little more around the house.

“Very rarely do we give in to that,” says Mrs. Varhaftik. “We tell them we’re not having bratty, spoiled kids.”

“It’s important to have them understand people in the world don’t have nearly what they have, even though they feel deprived themselves,” says Mr. Varhaftik. “We don’t always give them what they want; we give them what they need.”

January 11, 2008