PARENTING

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Parental Compromise

Written By Amy Landsman

For parents, raising children is a balancing act between knowing when to discipline and when to take a back seat. It’s setting boundaries and backing off.  Sometimes, it’s being on the same page with one’s spouse and sometimes it’s the art of compromise.

“I would say before the children were born, we had no clue,” says Andrew Horowitz of Mount Washington, who admits that while he and his wife Heather knew they would be good parents, they just weren’t clear about exactly how they were going to go about doing it.

“We came into it with an open mind,” adds his wife.

From bedtime to TV time, from snack time to playtime, moms and dads often approach raising kids from different points of view. The trick is finding that sweet middle ground to make everyone happy.

Andrew, for example, is OK with quickly soothing Landon, 2 1/2, when he wakes up at 5 a.m., while Heather takes a wait-and-see-if-he-settles-down approach.

“I’d rather wake up, take him downstairs, put on a cartoon and start his day than hear him scream. No one’s getting any sleep anyway,” says Andrew, a financial planner. “I like to give things time,” counters his wife, a special education teacher who is currently staying home with the kids.

Sleep is only one of the many issues parents face. Brett and Jacki Friedman of Federal Hill say they generally agree on most things concerning Zachary, who is almost 3, and Anders, who is nearly 2.

When it comes to clothing, however, Jacki says her husband could use a little help.

“He just grabs whatever is available. If I feel strongly, I may decide to do a change of clothing, but if it’s a busy day I might just let it go,” says Jacki, who works three days a week managing a dental practice.

“I like ‘em to look cute and look good, but it doesn’t always turn out that I match the kids correctly,” says Brett, a dentist.

Brett also likes to roughhouse with the boys, which makes Jacki a little nervous.

Says Brett: “I love to rile them up; that’s something we do disagree on.”

“I agree with roughhousing to a certain degree,” responds his wife. “I also think that the continued roughhousing makes them a little rambunctious. So I sometimes have a problem with that. Of course, I’m a mom, so I’m a little more protective!”

Andrew also loves roughhousing with Landon. “We roll on the carpet and we play ‘king of the world.’ We do all kinds of games. …We do it in moderation. We have fun.”

“Andrew couldn’t wait to make him a boy-boy,” laughs Heather. “I used to be very nervous. ‘Don’t hurt him! He’s too young!’ But they have fun. They bond together.”

Both couples don’t let their kids watch a lot of TV. When Heather got pregnant with their second child, Elizabeth, now almost 1, her husband urged her to let Landon watch a little extra, so she could get some rest.

When it comes to treats, Heather Horowitz says her husband likes to sneak Landon a few more treats than she does. “I would definitely say ‘No sugar before bed’ and Andrew would give him a night-time cookie.”

As generations of couples before them have learned, raising kids is not for the faint of heart. Both the Friedmans and the Horowitzes have learned the fine art of compromise. In fact, reaching agreement on raising kids is a “major developmental task” for all couples, explains Arnold Sell, director of Pikesville-based MarriageWorks Counseling.

Before parents can even begin to make decisions about the kids, however, couples must learn to problem-solve as a team. “Some people will be able to handle some areas beautifully. Others, not so much,” says Sell.

It’s not just a one-time thing, because as kids grow and change, parents have to reassess their decisions about everything from bedtime to media use, to whether the child is now old enough to cross the street on his own. Sell emphasizes that parents must reach agreement “about how to reach agreement” before they can even begin to tackle those daily decisions.

“Each has their own way of doing things. They need to construct an ‘our’ way,” he explains.

That’s something Heather easily understands. “It’s not his way. It’s not my way. It’s our way.”

When parents are in sync, Sell likens it to a river with two banks. Two banks give the river structure, “as opposed to having one bank, and on the other side is chaos like a flood.”

The Friedmans would agree with that, saying their commitment to communication makes family life a whole lot easier. Jacki says before their kids were born, they agreed they wouldn’t undermine each other.

“We respect each other,” says Brett. “We definitely have the same values on eating and not sharing a bed and bedtime and stuff like that.”

“Through these experiences, which could be very trying and frustrating, it makes us become more of a team,” says Heather. “It’s not just mom versus dad. It’s mom and dad.

“You have to be a team, or it won’t work,” she adds.