PARENTING

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New Baby And Grandparents

By Maayan Jaffe

Special to the Jewish Times

Welcoming your own baby into the world is, for most mothers, the most astonishing and poignant moment of their lives. The birth and subsequent period of adjustment for mom, dad and any siblings become the source of tales, repeated — hopefully with laughter and joy — as baby and family grow.

Who do you let in on this extraordinary experience of birth and baby’s first few weeks? Most new moms opt for grandmother. However, when it comes to letting mom’s mom (or mom’s mother-in-law) in on the intimacy, it’s important to evaluate your relationships and set boundaries. What most new moms and grandmas find is, if you do it right, there is nothing more rewarding.

The Birth
Shira Gryll of Pikesville gave birth to son Yisroel during February’s blizzard. To get to Sinai Hospital, she and husband Andy had to be driven in a special vehicle arranged through Hatzalah, Northwest Baltimore’s volunteer emergency medical care team. Mother Cheryl Rosenfeld, who was helping Gryll during early labor, also came in the SUV. Due to the weather, Rosenfeld was forced into the much more active role of doula and nurse. She says being with her daughter during the birth was marvelous.

“It’s a strange feeling. I feel like it wasn’t that long ago that I gave birth to Shira, and now I am watching her go through the same thing. It’s an amazing experience,” she says.

Rosenfeld, however, says she was careful not to get too caught up in the emotion of it all — even when baby slipped out unattended by a nurse or doctor, since staff was so slim with the storm — and tried to remember that even though she was there for support, this was her daughter’s delivery and not her own.

“Being the mother at my daughter’s birth, I had to remind myself to give Shira the birth experience she wanted, which might be different from what I wanted,” Rosenfeld says. “It wouldn’t be good to have your mother in the room, for example, if she feels strongly you should have a natural birth and you want medication. A mother could make her daughter feel guilty.”

In addition, she adds, there is a delicate balance between taking over and letting mom and dad bond. She explains grandma and dad need to know their roles and grandma needs to step back enough that her daughter can turn to her own husband for support if she wants to.

Jamie Rubin, owner of In Due Time Doula Services, says by far the vast majority of her clients opt not to invite the mother or mother-in-law to be part of labor and delivery. However, of those moms-to-be who decided to do so, some situations went well — like in Gryll’s case — while others were a little more challenging.

“There are many funny stories,” Rubin says, recounting the time that, despite a laboring mother and spouse’s request that they have privacy during delivery, the mother and father-in-law showed up at the hospital. The laboring mom was very upset but didn’t want a confrontation, so the nurses agreed not to let the in-laws into the delivery room. Rubin tried to convince the couple to wait out their daughter-in-law’s labor at home, but the parents opted to sleep in the hospital waiting room. About an hour after baby was born, the new dad brought baby to meet his parents.

“The mother-in-law refused to talk to them for a week!” Rubin says. “But eventually they reconciled.”

Another mother was so overbearing in the labor room, asking questions constantly and hovering over her daughter, that the nurse pulled Rubin aside to compliment her patience.” I told the nurse it was hard, but as long as the daughter wanted her mother there, I had to support the decision. Eventually, I noticed that the mother’s presence was causing the laboring mom a lot of tension in her shoulders and, sure enough, the labor slowed down,” Rubin says. “Hours passed and there was talk of pitocin and then C-section. Finally, I sent the mother out of the room to run a bunch of errands and in the short time she was gone her daughter progressed from five centimeters to 10, pushed only three times and delivered her beautiful baby.”

Each mom, of course, does it a little differently. In the case of Rebecca King, she had her own mother and mother-in-law in the room when she gave birth to daughter Aubrey last winter. The parents were allowed to stay close during the majority of the experience, but when it came time to push baby out, she asked them to leave so she and husband Greg could experience the intimate moment alone, without inhibition.

Homecoming
Mom usually remains in the hospital for two days. Then she comes home and a new set of questions arise. What are grandma and grandma-in-law’s roles then? If they live out of town, should they stay with the new family or book a room in a nearby hotel?

King, who lives in Pikesville, said she could not have done it without the help both grandmothers provided.

“Our moms were at home when we returned from the hospital,” says King. “They’d gone food shopping, made us food for the first couple of days, set up baby’s room … It’s kind of a bit of a shock once you leave the hospital, and to have an extra couple of sets of hands was definitely a relief.”

Erin Smith of Owings Mills had a similar experience when she brought home son Nathan almost two years ago. She delivered early, and her mother and mother-in-law were able to step in and take care of the things she hadn’t. There’s always a worry when people — even your parents — are in your home that you’ll have to entertain and take care of them, which can add additional stress after the birth of a new baby. However, Smith says that in her case there was none of that.

“They took care of themselves and really were waiting on me. If I got up to make myself lunch, they would tell me to sit down and that would take care of it,” Smith laughs. “They really did everything. It was fantastic!”

Of course, there was a difference between grandma and grandma-in-law, Smith recalls — not in the amount of help, but the style.

“My mom and I are like the exact same person. There’s nothing like having your own mommy, and my husband would agree that for me it’s best to have my mom instead of his.”

In Gryll’s case, there wasn’t much choice. Her in-laws arrived, with the snow, from Tennessee. While plans were originally made for them to stay in a hotel, they ended up boarding in her two-bedroom apartment. This, says Gryll, to put it mildly, “was difficult.”

“With my first child, I could have company and then when I needed to, I could ask them to give us some private time. Because of the snow,” she says, “everyone was stuck.”

Anne King, Rebecca’s mother-in-law, says the importance of setting boundaries and allowing the new family to bond is paramount. While Rebecca King has helped her mother-in-law feel a part of everything from the beginning, Anne King says she is careful to give her son and daughter-in-law their space.

“I never go over without calling first,” she says.

Boundaries are paramount when it comes to giving advice, as well. Rosenfeld says she learned after Gryll’s first child that it was better not to constantly give advice, but to subtly offer suggestions.

“The new mom might get intimidated and it could not be great for her self-esteem and her developing mothering confidence,” says Rosenfeld. “This could make it much harder when everyone goes home.”

She also points out that grandmas have to remember this is a new generation and they are going to raise their children differently.

“This is not your baby, it’s your grandbaby,” she says. “You have to let the next generation be the parents and learn your role as a grandparent.”