Jewish Mothers And Their Sons

The special relationship of mothers and sons

By Elinor Spokes
Photography by Justin Tsucalas

Seemingly forever, Jewish mothers have been stereotyped in fiction, comedy, theater and other expressive art forms. Surely based in some truth, the generalized characteristics of a Jewish mother — overbearing, doting and meddling, with high expectations and an overwhelming desire for her children’s success — can be challenging to avoid sometimes by today’s Jewish mothers.

Mothers of boys have the added challenge of figuring out the growing emotional needs of the opposite gender. Playful, energetic, physical, puppy-like and restless can describe the personae of many a young boy. With their heads in the clouds and their feet scurrying on an athletic field, boys march and, likely, run to the tune of their own drummer. Their interests are often completely foreign to their mothers, as they focus on things that move, like planes, trains and automobiles, and on how things work, like engines and machines.

But in tandem with the physical powerhouse that seems to reside inside these little men are seemingly contradictory characteristics. They are sweet, loving and affectionate; they are caring, adoring and respectful.

Expectations mothers have of their sons are often based on a desire to rein in the sometimes overly physical aspects of their son’s personalities and steer them down a positive, productive path. Characteristics generally associated with the mythical overbearing Jewish mother can sometimes help the mother-son relationship and provide some guidance and comfort.

Ali Sopher, a Pikesville mother of two very young boys, ages three and 16 months, says that, despite their youth, she has very definite expectations for her boys. “I want them to learn the value of education, to be kind, honest and loving, responsible and demonstrate appropriate behavior, and to be open-hearted and caring towards others,” she says.

Projecting how her expectations of her sons will change as the boys get older, Sopher reflects, “I will teach them the importance of family, good sportsmanship and always have high expectations of what they can do and instill in them that there is nothing they can’t do.”

The qualities of a Jewish mother are most certainly ones that Sopher has incorporated into her parenting style. “You can call it overbearing or doting, but I am nurturing them with all of my love. That is what Jewish mothers do and I don’t want to try to avoid it.”

“I want and expect my sons to be able to share anything with me and know, in return, that they will get unconditional love and support from me,” notes Jill Waldman, of Owings Mills, mother of twin 9-year-old boys. “As my sons get older, I expect them to be more independent and able to make intelligent choices that will help lead to their happiness.”

Waldman admits to being perhaps a bit too doting at times and when she realizes it, she makes a conscious effort to back off a little bit because, she says, “being too overbearing will only hurt them. In the end, they will be more independent and have more self-esteem with less doting. But I can’t back off completely; it’s just my nature.”

Joyce Fruman, of Stevenson, is a mother of two boys and now a grandmother of three “While raising my sons, I just wanted them to be good people and I expected them to give of themselves and be philanthropic,” she recalls. She adds, that she feels that they have, now as adults and fathers themselves, fulfilled those expectations.

She remembers with laughter the days when her boys, separated in age by three-and-a-half years, would fight with each other. “They were very physical,” she recalls. She always expected them to apologize to one another, even if it took them a while to decide which one would do so first.

Now she relishes her more adult relationship with her sons. “They call all the time, are very considerate, responsible and they are more like my friends with whom I can discuss almost anything.”

“My mother expected my brother and me to listen and to try to do the right thing. Now I appreciate my mother more. She is very involved with our boys, but also very respectful of our marriage and doesn’t intervene,” says Kevin Fruman, Joyce’s eldest son and father of two boys.

Joyce’s daughter-in-law, Tracee, married to Kevin, is the mother of a two-and-a-half year old son Jake and a newborn son. Her expectations of her boys is that they respect her as a parent and she firmly believes that by teaching them respect, they will treat her well and also be respectful of their wives. “I reinforce this by not being tolerant of disrespectful behavior,” she adds.

“The traits of a Jewish mother are ones that I try to avoid in some ways and try to fulfill in others,” she says. “You want your kids to be happy, healthy and well-fed.”

As for expectations from their sons on “their” special day, Mother’s Day, these Jewish mothers just want the love of their boys.

“My expectations of my sons on Mother’s Day does not differ greatly from my expectations of them on any other day,” says Waldman. She reflects that one of the most gratifying gifts on Mother’s Day is her son’s written expressions on the handmade cards they presented to her. She has kept and cherished each one she has received.

Sopher adds, “I would like a smile, hug and kiss, and to spend a fun day with my boys and my husband. That is the perfect day.”

“Mother’s Day,” says Tracee, “is not about a gift or anything material. It is about spending the day with your mother and making sure she knows how much she is appreciated.”

May 2009