Can Parents be Friends with their Children?

Written By Linda L. Esterson

It’s a typical weekend day, and you make plans to go shopping. Then you take in a movie and get a bite to eat. All the while, you’re sharing secrets and confiding in someone whom you trust.

Sound like the typical Saturday afternoon between girlfriends?

It can be, but it also can typify today’s parent-child relationship. And for more and more families, that relationship is becoming more like a friendship.

“I like to think of myself as their parent and their friend, not one or the other,” says Helene Pokrywka, mother of Hillary, 17, and Josh, 15. “My parenting style makes it easier to have a friendship with them.”

Pokrywka says she parents teenagers differently from those who answer questions with “Because I’m the parent” or “Because I said so.” “I teach and parent them with them understanding why, not because I’m the parent telling them what to do,” she adds.

The benefits of her more “friendly” style, she says, is the mutual respect she and her children share, since she treats them as individuals. She also notes their open relationship that encourages her children to come to her with issues and problems.

“It’s not a good relationship or friendship if you can’t tell them something because they get mad and make you feel bad, instead of helping,” says Hillary, who categorizes her relationship with her mother as a lot closer than most.

Helene and Hillary spend plenty of time together, usually two to three times each week, and their preferred pastimes are shopping, eating out and watching television.

According to one local expert, the relationship between parent and child should be clearly defined, with parents having a full understanding of their responsibilities as parents before concerning themselves with being their child’s friend.

“Parents should remain focused on their multiple roles as parents and enjoy sharing common, productive aspects of being a friend, like companionship, sharing and caring,” says Sherri Cohen, licensed clinical professional counselor with Mindful Solutions LLC.

Cohen adds that from early childhood through adolescence, children are influenced by their parents and friends. Their definitions of friendship and associated behaviors change as they age and mature. Despite their child’s maturity, parents should remember they are the parent first and they have a responsibility to be consistent in their parenting, which includes consistent modeling of socially safe and healthy behaviors.

Sometimes, Cohen says parents may have difficulty enforcing rules with authority when they act more like friends than parents.

Lois Levy believes parents can be friends with their children.

“It’s a fine line where you have to remain a parent and still let them know it’s a parent- controlled household,” says Levy, mother to Dan, 19, Cara, 18, Dustin, 15, and Tyler, 9. Levy says parents need to be clear about what they approve and disapprove of without judging their children too harshly, while making sure the children know they can trust their parents. “I’m there to be their adviser, supporter and friend during high times and low times,” she says.

She considers her older children, who are both at the University of Maryland, more like friends, since her relationship with them is more about appreciation. With the younger ones, it’s more subtle, and can be anything from playing ball in the backyard, talking in the driveway or cuddling on the sofa.

Gender also plays a role. Levy feels she is more of a confidant to Cara, who reveals the details of her life to her mother in part because she has no sister, than to Dan, who doesn’t disclose as much or need as much contact.

“As I got older, I feel they’re more like friends and I don’t view them as parents,” says Dan, who feels comfortable with his mother and father Steve now.

May 9, 2008